Busy, busy or not busy doing important things

I have very good friends. On Facebook one of them posted this article on How to Escape the Cult of "Busy". You may have heard of it,  I definitely suffer from it. I even joke that I do not know how I had time to work since I remain so busy after several months of not working. My to do list is not getting any shorter but the mean girl voice in my head does get sharper.

I think in some ways, I answer this way because people expect me to answer this way. Sometimes as I think about how I am doing, someone will say "busy" with a knowing glance. I nod because my mind remains blank as to how I am doing. I am smart, but sometimes my mind works slowly. I do not have a quick response for everything (unless it is sarcastic, I always have a quip ready).

The author gives a number of reasons why people constantly say they are busy. I think I suffer from all of them.

I matter
I am super important
I am giving you an easy excuse
I am afraid
I feel guilty

I am not sure how relevant the first two are- but to be honest I am sure there is some of that going into my "I am so busy" mantra. But the last three are the ones that hit home.

The reality is chasing a two year old around all day and caring for a houshold of a husband and two older boys does keep me very busy. BUT there is time, I spend most of it on Twitter and Facebook and generally wasting the time. So while my time is full, it is not fulfilling.  Dont get me wrong, I love Twitter, I appreciate all of the people I follow and let me keep up with their lives, but it is not actually living to do so.

I could try to stop being afraid and guilty and worried about doing something half assed. I could be more silent. Perhaps I should try small increments.

Today I will start with twenty minutes of quiet during Ryan's nap time. I will put the phone away, turn the tv off and read one of the three books on the side of my bed (Bible, Breaking Free, or Lean In). Baby steps for a big change, I can do it. Then of course I will nap, because a mother should always sleep when her baby (toddler) is sleeping. :)  I am joining my friend who said "wont you join me?" in her effort to escape the cult of busy.

You can be sure I am busy, just as I am sure you are busy, but when I ask you how you are, let me know if I can help or let me know how you are for real.

We are gifts to this world, we dont need to listen to the ugly voice in our head.

Green of Spring

Lots of sad things happen in the world. I can be overwhelmed by the stories and sorrow. I only know one thing to do: pray. I have been doing a lot of that for my family and friends and strangers who I encounter on the twitter.

Back in the day I had a great friend. Unfortunately, we are not close any longer. But I still hold a sacred place for her and her family in my heart. Her father passed away shortly before the summer that we both were to be married.

Her father was an amazing man. He had this great accent and often had wise things to say based on his vast experience. He built things and planted things, traveled the world, and raised four children. Also, he had this sense of beauty that one would not ascertain by looking at him.

Before he passed on May 8th almost 11 years ago, he told his daughter he was glad to have seen another spring. He told her that the green of early spring is something to behold after a long winter. His regret was he would miss that green next year. Coming so close to his death, the comments made a significant impression on me.

Whenever I see the early green of spring, it is a different green than the green of late spring, I think of him, and remind myself to be grateful to be able to see the color again. The early spring green fades quickly and these photos do not do justice to the brightness of the color, but the photos remind me of him and gratitude for another season.

Texas- what?

Now I have been to Texas. To be clear I went to Brooks Army Medical Center (BAMC), my dad's house in San Antonio, the airport in San Antonio and the Wal Mart close to my dad's house (we did drive thru a starbucks and a Sonic, but I wont count those b/c I was just in the car). Not really the typical tourist visit, but I hate typical so I dont feel like I missed much (except for Olive Garden and I can get that here, somewhere).

I didnt see the Riverwalk, the Alamo or the Spurs. My dad tells me the Alamo is over rated and that if we have a chance go see the other missions. I didnt really have the chance. The thing about San Antonio is that it is not pretty, it is pavement and suburbia for miles. There is a dome building where the Spurs used to play that is called the armadillo dome because it looks like a dead armadillo-really unattractive.

BAMC is a special place though. First because my dad was healed there thankfully but also because the wounded warriors that are healed in that facility. It was a special privilege for me to pray for the family I met there and the other families/soldiers I didnt meet but saw.

I slept in the waiting room multiple nights, no one bothered me (and I snore). The cafeteria only accepts cash, which I never ever carry, but generous family members provided the money and the meals were so cheap. Admittedly it was difficult to eat for the first few days, not because of the food, but the circumstances, the appetite came around for all of us and the food was nourishing and above average.

We watched a lot of SportsCenter, my dad and I were both so grateful on Saturday and Sunday when we could watch football all day and not the same sports news all day. I like sports news because it really doesnt matter in the grand scheme and no one has an agenda to overthrow our president on SportsCenter.

CT surgeons are my new best friends and post op nursing teams. The surgeon could not have been better, so personable, listened, spent time with us oh and brilliant. Bless that man. Because my step mother and aunt and cousin and I were constantly by my dad's side the care my dad received was exceptional, it helps to have advocates. The nurses were all good. They can get busy so it helps to have family gently reminding or even the patient himself tell the nurse what he needs.

Perhaps my view of Texas would not be so negative if I didnt arrive there under inauspicious circumstances or if San Antonio wasnt in a multi-year drought. Perhaps. I hope my step mother's next assignment is slightly more scenic & closer. I am however grateful to be able to leave Texas w/ a dad who is recovering. Blessings abound so I cannot be too harsh to the state.

Year of Wellness

I am graduating from Sorenson Political Leaders Program (PLP) next week. My project this year was the PLP program (& get Obama/Perriello elected among other things).

Last year, I ran for City Council;

The year before, I started my own business;

In 2005, we moved back to Cville and bought our first house;

In 2004, I had baby #2;

In 2003, I had baby #1;

In 2002, I got married;

In 2001, I graduated from law school, studied for, passed bar, first protective order (ugh).

I am thinking 2009 I can refocus on my own wellness, since in all the hubbub since 2001 I havent had much time for that (and it shows itself in many ways).

What does wellness mean? Do I join a gym, like Waldo or Jim? Do I get a hobby like Marijean (knitting, not the pies)?

If I give myself a goal, which any good type A'er does, what should it be, besides lose weight. Something a bit more than physical wellness is on my mind. I am open to suggestions. Luckily I have a few more weeks to figure it out.

Here are some thoughts I have:
Writing- I do enjoy writing and if I write then maybe I will feel more wellness.
Church- I could do some church tours and see if going to church will bring some feeling of wellness.
Travel- ? not sure if travel brings wellness, I frequently get ill after traveling.
Hiring someone to clean my house regularly (as if, but I think it would bring some calmness to my life).
Quitting all the things that annoy me- I cant figure out if I would be more annoyed without these things or less (I know my bosses would be happier).
Eat healthier- obviously (and eating right does take some work).
Exercise- I dont think I will join a gym until I can demonstrate my own capacity to exercise without a gym..
Meditation- I like the sound of having time to meditate (I read Eat, Pray, Love so of course for a 21st century girl like myself meditation seems like a good idea)

Here is what I will NOT be doing
1. running for office- not that this is news.
2. quitting my job (as I get better at my job, I feel more wellness, and even though its challenging A LOT, this is a good thing).
3. signing up to lead crap- clearly someone else can do it, if it must be done.

One person's account: Rural Access Medical Care

My Sorenson classmate Aryana Khalid works for the Governor as a Deputy Secretary in the Health & Human Services Agency. Our class has a listserv where we randomly diss each other or have interesting policy discussions. A Newsweek article from about two months ago on health care led to a dialogue on the listserv. I asked if I could use her comment so here goes (Aryana represents herself in the following views):

"We [her husband and her] volunteered at the RAM clinic in Wise this year and I can personally tell you of the joy and tremendous sadness I felt. How wonderful to see so many people give of themselves so willingly and with so much kindness; how sad to see something that I thought would only exist in the Third World. My husband, who isn't necessarily the biggest health person (which is why I took him, I wanted him to see what healthcare is really like in the US), said to me, I can't believe this happens in the United States. I thought we were the most powerful nation in the world, but we don't even begin to take care of our citizens.

I am so very troubled as he is. Most of these people work for a living. They suffer tremendously until something like this comes along. Appalachia is one of the most depressed areas in the country. If you all have seen in the paper recently, life expectancy in this area is going in the wrong direction. Everyone keeps talking about it, but what do we actually DO.

The Governor came out, as did some staff. Dominic came out with Delegate Moran, which was a great. And Delegate Bowling came out as well. But that's it (well I should say, that is all I saw and anyone I spoke to saw), for the entire House and Senate of Virginia. I am scheming ways for how to get more State Reps to come and see this…smile.

There are 6 Mission of Mercy RAM clinics across the Commonwealth each year. Wise is the biggest. There are just so many needs. It seems that whatever side of the aisle you are one, we can all probably agree (I hope) that we shouldn't be treating our working citizenry this way. Their should be options out there. This would include Medicaid and Medicare, but also public-private options to create new and innovative types of health insurance products (like the one coming out from Riverside Hospital System Foundation in Tidewater/Northern Neck). You just cannot fathom how bad it is until you see it with your own eyes.

Finally, there were numerous stories that touched me during my weekend adventure. I will share just one. There was a women who used her brother's frequent flyer miles to fly from NY to Bristol, then hitchhiked to Wise to have what was remaining of her teeth all pulled out. She was going to hitchhike back to Bristol to catch her flight back. Her mouth filled with bloody gauze and in tremendous amounts of pain after having numerous teeth pulled. I worry for her…I hope she made it back ok. And it makes me wonder an even bigger question, how did she get in a situation where the RAM Mission of Mercy Project in Wise, VA was the only place she could get the services she needs. I wonder what that says about our society."

When I asked if I could use her comments, she replied yes and followed w/ this:

"I was OUTRAGED to see what I saw. My husband was horrified. You just don’t expect it in this country. It’s not right, no matter what side of the aisle you are on. And if you think it is right, then I just don’t have words…I just hope that those folks never experience what these people go through day in and day out. I have felt so guilty the since that weekend anytime I complain about my life. I have no idea what it’s like to have a difficult life. One day, I truly believe, things will change. We will make healthcare a priority in this country…it may not be in my lifetime…all I know is there are a lot of health advocates out there, including me, who will die trying. We should not leave people on the outskirts of society alone…we should help them."

Sleep Apnea does long term harm

I never really stopped breathing in my sleep. I just had to move to finish my breath.
Symptoms include: Loud and intermittent snoring is one warning signal. The person who has sleep apnea may experience a choking sensation, early-morning headaches, or extreme daytime sleepiness as well. His bed partner or roommate might comment on his excessive body movements or his snorting or gasping for breath during sleeping. From this website.

Sleep apnea will kill you if left untreated.

Suffering from sleep apnea may do more than just spoil a good night's sleep. A new study shows that people with severe sleep apnea may be up to three times more likely to die prematurely, and that risk increases if the sleep disorder is left untreated. Sleep apnea is a common sleeping disorder that causes frequent pauses in breathing during sleep and is often accompanied by snoring. About 6% of adults in the U.S. suffer from moderate to severe forms of the condition, and 17% have less severe forms. From WebMD article.

See your doctor immediately if you suspect sleep apnea.

Depression & Hollywood

Heather Locklear has admitted herself into treatment for depression and anxiety. Normally I would have nothing to add to this. However, I was pretty horrified when the boys and I were driving to the Belmont Spray Park last night and the commentator on the radio (107.5 which I promptly changed the station) stated "oh it must be so difficult being beautiful, even at her age, working and rich..." as though those things disqualify her from depression.

Depression is an illness, it is not related to your lifestyle or all the trappings in it. With respect to Locklear- it is easy to see how depression could have been triggered- her (now ex) best friend began dating her husband as soon as HeatherL separated from Sambora.

Seeking treatment for depression is commendable, not something to be mocked. Moreover, pain is completely individual - we are in no position to judge another's mental status or just as we are unable to determine whether someone has an invisible physical illness. I prefer to support someone who is depressed, not marginalize depression for entertainment value, even if the person who is ill is rich, beautiful and otherwise fortunate (maintaining the facade can be even more troubling for those folks).

Buddy the dog

Our dog is sick, so sick we didnt even care that it would cost an arm and a leg. He has allergies- always has, so he frequently is scratching himself. But when he started getting a runny nose and sore joints, we had to take him to the vet. He has a 105 degree temp, he could barely walk and had awful skin issues on his tail. Poor dog. The vet was real worried about him, which made us freak out more too. The antibiotics, IV fluids and other treatment turned him around quickly. He tested positive for a tick borne disease which in dogs are relatively easy to treat. The deterioration happened so quickly- on Wednesday he was fine, by last night we thought we should take him into the emergency vet. We waited till morning and took him to our vet. He has to be quiet this weekend, and if he doesnt stop scratching he has to wear boxer shorts (so far, so good though). I wouldnt have imagined such a quick turnaround, but he even jumped on the bed to sleep tonight, this morning he couldnt walk. Phew.

Sleeping health

Prior to starting Sorenson, I worried about having a roommate overnight in the hotel on the weekends because of my unladylike snoring. My husband complains occassionally so I know it is not a pleasant thing. Well my roommate that first weekend was surprised and unpleasantly so. Of course I am embarrassed and mildly concerned. I decide I should definitely pay the extra money for a single hotel room so as not to disrupt others sleep.

Shortly after that weekend, I participated in the MS Walk- the team leader is a doctor, who is heading to a 'sleep' fellowship in Durham next year (I learned as we walked). I give her my symptoms and she calmly warns me I need to get checked out because people with Sleep Apnea are at higher risk of strokes, heart attacks and all those really worrisome things.

So I go to my primary care physician (who is a nurse practicioner in a large practice- but to me he is a doctor). He refers me to a sleep study because of my symptoms (headache in the morning, chronic fatigue, moodiness, naps etc). Last night was the sleep study.

I got a lot of wires attached to me- its a comfortable room- like a hospital room with the tv that swings from the wall. I fall asleep around 11:30. In order to be diagnosed with apnea one has to have 15 obstructions an hour, according to Helen my nurse- that sounds like a lot to me, so I doubt I will have it. If a patient has the requisite symptoms of apnea, the nurse will put a c-pap machine on the patient, to see if that will alleviate the apnea. The c-pap is a very romantic machine that one wears over her head and puts over her nose and air blows into the nose and somehow manages to trick the brain into not obsructing.

After an hour and a half, the nurse came in to tell me I wasnt sleeping and she put the c-pap on me. I guess I have apnea. I slept well the rest of the night despite having a million wires hanging from me and adjusting to the air blowing into my nose.

Helen told me that I was dreaming for a very long time and she tried to wait till the end of my dream before waking me up (isnt that nice?). I wont get my own c-pap for a few weeks. The doctors will review the results of the study and prescribe a c-pap.

This may be more than you ever wanted to know about me, but something I want to emphasize to stress the importance of treatment since the effects can be bad, and the treatment fairly simple. Finally- I want to say the symptoms for apnea mirror the symptoms for depression- if you snore, stop breathing during sleep, need to take a nap during the day or always feel tired, well it could be apnea and I recommend talking to your doctor about both depression and apnea. My nurse said it best "you wont be moody anymore," my relief was palpable. It just doesnt feel good to be tired all the time.

By the way, apnea is hereditary. I appreciate my Sorenson experience that first weekend, even if embarrassing, it has led to this optimistic prognosis for my fatigue and headaches.

poultry and workers

I may have had my last chicken meal for a long time. Today I am taking a tour of a poultry processing plant in Harrisonburg. I get to see it from the manager's perspective- the whole day is sponsored by the poultry group.

When I interned for the Virginia Justice Center at the Legal Aid Justice Center in the nineties (so long ago), we went to where the workers lived. The workers live in trailer parks outside of town- everything about the place reeks of poverty and third world country. The mothers and fathers worked separate shifts to take care of the children. No toys, no books, the insects- and an atmosphere of squalor. Does that make sense? I suppose I am using my sensabilities to describe it- I mean no disrespect- it was just one of those places, like most places I went those two summers- where you wore your oldest, sturdiest shoe and lifted up your pant legs to walk around, looking at the ground the whole time. All of those places- the people we met were hard working, loyal, and shy. A lot of times the workers would cry as they told us how they got here or what they have had to endure with their families, employers or the distance between here and home.

These worker's salaries deducted the time the workers had to go to the bathroom, or worse the boss wouldnt let them go to the bathroom. There was also an issue of who was to pay for their uniform. The American workers we suspected were not exploited this way.

All of these issues are actionable, but to the workers legal action was worse than not being able to go to the bathroom or paying for their uniforms. They were very loyal, and obviously appreciated the work.

While I am interested in the processing of poultry and how it works; my main concern is the workers and if what they have to go through is worth the couple cents off the cost of chicken.

Neverending spring cold/allergies/cough/flu

It's been a month since we were in NC with sick children, I have been healthy about 48 hours since then. Today I went to the doctor for the third time in a month (not counting the children's multiple appointments). She gave me five different drugs to take, including an asthma med, Zyrtec, nasal spray, Mucinex D, and ... one other thing I cant remember. She says if I dont feel better in 3-4 days, I can fill the script for antibiotics (a different one than I was on early this month).
So for all those sick of my cough- it may be going away, then perhaps I will be able to sleep and otherwise function again. I have no coherent diagnosis but who cares, I have drugs.

raising money

I had this great conversation last month about fundraising for candidates. The professional fundraiser was so confident in his prowess in helping candidates fundraise (candidates have to make the pitch- he pumps them up). He mentioned there are not a lot of female fundraisers and that he didnt know if his system would work on women (he relies on testosterone), which I found interesting.

I raised a good amount of money for my own campaign, a lot of in kind donations make the # look impressive. I hated every minute of fundraising- I do not know how to make it easier for candidates to make the pitch- except for nowadays fundraising is a politicians first job (so disappointing), so they have to even if it is awful.

I will get to a point, but first, I am half way (59%) to my goal of $1000 for my MS Walk fundraiser. My initial goal was $217, I blew by that with one email. Thank you to all of you who donated. The walk was last week, it was great. Team MICU rocks! A cure for MS is within reach, I am praying for the day to be sooner rather than later.

Finally, I was the youngest member of a group invited to be a fundraiser for Creigh Deeds. OK I may not have been the youngest in the state, but I think I was in Chville. I had no idea what this meeting would be about, my friend said "money" and I recoiled in horror "I dont have any money" I told my friend. He said "oh you dont have to" "what??" was my response.

OK so I learned. I want to raise $5000 for my choice for the next governor of Virginia Creigh Deeds. I havent actually told the campaign yet, because I am not that good at committing to raise money since my kids are in preschool, perhaps when they are in public school...but I digress. I want to be called a city bumpkin (as opposed to pioneers etc from the Bush campaigns). Will you help me elect Sen. Deeds? I am happy to tell you more about why in future posts.

Stay tuned for far more sophisticated fundraising goals and pitches.

MS Walk 3/29

I am a proud member of the UVA MICU team for the MS Walk to be held on 3/29. Please donate to the effort. I have added a link on my blog to go directly to my webpage. My boys and I will be walking for my mom who I am sure would like to walk but will be working in the MICU that day. Thank you for any contribution.

Please dont eat this

Typically I think "sure you could have this [incredibly decadent food item] one time just to try it what harm could it do?"
But with this new thing from Hardees, I beg of you just stay away, tell them we dont want this crap from them, give us things that will not instantly clog our arteries as choices.
The burrito has over 1400 calories and 60 grams of fat- and it is a breakfast item.
JUST SAY NO!

Worst. Vacation. Ever

I am the perpetual optimist. This vacation I did not have the strength for such optimism.

The A boy got sick on the first day, Saturday. Out of town, my child with an incredibly high fever and it is Saturday. Thankfully our pediatrician here in Cville has urgent care hours. I called them several times last weekend. Soothing nurses told me "just keep doing what you are doing" somehow this is not as soothing when it relates to my baby (who admittedly is now three).

First thing Monday morning, Andrew and I were at Patient First at 9:00AM (General Booth Blvd location). He had received a shot of tylenol at 5:00AM so he was in great spirits, so much so the PA told me "he looks fine now"- idiot- dont patronize a tired mother who is on 'vacation'. Of course by 11:30 as we are leaving, the fever kicks up again. I did get antibiotics, alas it must have been viral, Chris has it now and the fever reducing meds are far superior to the antibiotic.

By Wednesday I stopped giving Andrew medicine to control his fever. That seems like a long time to have a fever to me. He is good now but still on antibiotics.

That is only part of the story of my worst vacation ever, I bet my dad is happy though since it supplants the vacation of a couple years ago for the worst ever. :)

Having said all that, I love Sandbridge and it is fantastic to have a pool at the ocean when there are small kids and rough waves.